I didn’t mean to say it like that, can I have a Do-Over?

One night I was out on the town when a man approached me out of nowhere. In a heavy accent I could barely understand he said, “You. You will go nowhere without me. Where you go, I go.” Then he took me in his arms, spun me around and dipped me, holding me tight while my head dangled an inch from the pavement. From that night on, we spent a lot of our free time together.

I began inviting him over to dinner and we would lounge around in the comfort of my backyard drinking wine and talking the night away. He did not speak much English, and I didn’t know how to speak his language either. It was difficult, at first, and we did a lot of pantomiming, used google translate often, and when that still didn’t work, ultimately we were patient with each other and laughed a lot.

For two people who spoke different languages I found my enjoyment of our conversations fascinating, and marveled that we could talk into the wee hours of the night. Our conversations left me feeling exhilarated, inspired, heard, valued, and cherished. For the first time, I felt I had met a man who really understood me.

A year went by and as his English became better, an interesting thing began to transpire. Some of our conversations got really uncomfortable, and we began to have challenges. Instead of enjoying his presence and feeling good after spending time together, sometimes I got angry or upset at what he was saying, and sometimes he was the one who felt angry. Why? What changed? Is this just the normal progression of a couple, or a friendship? Or did something else happen, something we were totally in control of?

Communication Miscommunications

Image by Iván Tamás from Pixabay

When he was just learning my language, we would express thoughts and opinions, and although mostly we had great conversations there were times he said things that left me feeling confused. When that happened I would give him a look and ask, “Did you really just say what I think you did?” He would notice that his words had upset me, that he had maybe spoken too quickly without thinking, and in the best English he could, he would restate his thoughts in a different way. If I still looked confused he would try again, and sometimes again! I always gave him the benefit of the doubt for two reasons. First, because of our language barrier. But second, and more importantly, I knew deep down he was a good man with a good heart. And good people with good hearts don’t say hurtful things- unless they are feeling hurt themselves, or speak without thought.

When I thought I finally understood what he was trying to say, I would give him my interpretation of what he said as it made sense to me. By helping him and giving him my interpretation, we broke his pattern and gave him the opportunity to say things in another way. He was smart and took these opportunities. Immediately he would nod his head and reply, “Yes, babe! this it! You now understand babe!”

If you are thinking this looks like manipulation, think again! When you love someone, your goal is never to hurt them, but to make them happy. His goal was not to upset me but to connect. He was not changing his views, ideas, or needs for me, but simply finding a way to express them that I could understand. His goal was to love me, not fight with me.

Of course, I put my foot in my mouth plenty of times too! And when that happened he gave me the same benefit of the doubt and allowed me to express what I was trying to say in a different way. I can’t tell you how grateful I was at times for those Do-Overs!!

However, as time rolled on and his English improved, we went from having easy conversations to having many conflicts in our conversations. Why? As the language barrier became less and less of a “barrier”, we gave each other less room to make mistakes. We no longer gave each other the benefit of the doubt, no longer tried to discover what the other was really trying to say. Instead we let our own minds interpret the conversation the way they wanted to. We stopped giving each other time, patience, and the benefit of the doubt. We lost our language barrier safety net!

Healthy communication is the key

IMAGE BY AREK SOCHA FROM PIXABAY

What would our relationships be like if we took time, had patience, and gave the benefit of the doubt when it came to communication? So many times the first thing that comes out of our mouths is the hurt and pain we are feeling. What if the people in our lives could look past that initial attempt at communication, without taking offence or getting triggered by our words, and let us try again and again?

How many times have you been hooked by what someone says to you? What happens? Do you get upset, hurt, or angry? If so, you are no longer hearing what they have to say. You are stuck in their first attempt at communication, and they never get the opportunity to express what they really mean.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, getting upset, and staying stuck, what if you gave them a Do-Over? What if you got your own Do-Over? When we are allowed to talk through the hurt and pain, when someone has the patience and grace to give us a Do-Over, we can find a safe place to say what we really want. And when we give others a Do-Over, we get to hear what they really wanted to say. What grows is a beautiful, healthy, safe space to communicate, and ultimately we can deepen and enrich our relationships.

Communication in relationships is the key. To have great, healthy communication in relationships takes willingness, desire, and patience to understand. Do you want to take your relationships to the next level? Are you willing to do what it takes to get there?

We all have a language barrier

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In our relationship, we both discovered that having a language barrier was the best thing that could have ever transpired. Not immediately understanding each other and learning to communicate with this handicap in place was actually to our benefit. Many times, whether we thought we understood each other or not, we would ask, Can I have a Do-Over?” And when asked, we continued to graciously give each other as many Do-Overs as necessary. As the language barrier handicap went away, we had to learn to keep asking for Do-Overs. Even though we now understood the words that were being said, we came to realize that we didn’t always understand their meaning.

When we speak the same language, we think things should be easy. That when we communicate the receiver should understand immediately what we want to say. However, it’s not that simple.

The truth is, there are always language barriers when we communicate. Sometimes huge ones! Even if we share the same words, those words are up for interpretation and can have many meanings. We filter what we hear through our own unique experiences, values, and styles. What “love” means to you is not the same as what it means to your partner, friend, child or family member. What “respect” means to you may differ from what your boss, co-worker, friend, or spouse thinks it means. We think we understand what is being said to us, and we assume that our words are immediately understood. We don’t take the time and effort to dig deeper. We don’t ask or give Do-Overs.

Ask yourself, what do you want out of your relationships? Do you want growth and a deeper connection? Do you want your relationships to enrich your life and do you want to enrich the lives of others? This doesn’t just happen! It takes time, effort, and patience. It takes a different way of thinking. And Do-Overs are an amazing tool that you can use anytime, anywhere.

What will you do differently to be more fully understood? What will you do to try to understand others? The more Do-Overs you give, the easier it will be to give them. The more you ask for Do-Overs, the easier it will be to recognize when to ask, and how to do it. Can you keep going until you decipher the true meaning of what is being said? It will be hard at first, and you won’t succeed all the time, but the more you try the better you will become.

Your parents, children, spouse, friends … are these people that you know love you and care about you? If so, then you can trust that their intentions are never to hurt you, but simply to communicate. Take the time to ask questions! Make sure you understand what was said before jumping to conclusions- and into a fight! Repeat back what your interpretation is and see if they agree. Ask for a chance to restate your words if you see they are getting upset. And most importantly, keep trying!

We all have language barriers, and although they can be challenging, when you take the time and effort to not only learn how to speak someone else’s language but do so with love and true interest your relationships will grow into happy, healthy and connected ones.