Who Am I?

I love this question. I love asking my clients, usually in our first few sessions, to answer it. If you have a piece of paper handy, take one or two minutes and write down one-word answers to the question “Who Am I?” If you don’t have paper, you can still think of some answers.

So … what did you think of?

Maybe some of these words are on your list: parent, manager, spouse, American, brunette, Catholic, sibling, conservative, liberal.

Most of the time we answer the question “Who Am I?” with the names of labels we have accepted for ourselves. Parent… American … these are constructs that come with preconceived notions and stereotypes. Are you a parent, or a spouse, or work in a specific profession? Sure. But what does that mean? Does that describe who you are really?

“Shakespeare’s words” by Calamity Meg is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

The Most Important Relationship You Will Ever Have Is The One With Yourself.

The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. And answering the question “Who Am I?” will help you develop and strengthen that relationship.

The first step is to become aware of your answers. What are they? How do they make you feel? How do you describe yourself to others—at an outdoor barbeque for example?

Our family culture, our socioeconomic status, our race, and other factors determine our preconceived notions of what these labels mean. Like wearing a pair of coke-bottle glasses, a lot of times this distorted lens is how we see and think about the world. For example, “Mother” can be a very positive label for one person and a scary or negative label for someone else. What about “Stay-at-Home Mom?” How did the “Mother” picture change for you when that extra label was added?

I have a client who was a stay-at-home mom for many years when her kids were younger. Her mom worked and had a very successful career, so she always thought she would do the same. But being a mom is hard! She had a lot on her plate, and taking care of two young children really did consume her entire day. As we went through the coaching process, she realized that she was ashamed to say “I’m staying home with my kids” whenever she met someone new. She also realized that  before kids, she looked down on stay-at-home moms, thinking they were just sitting at home watching TV or shopping all day while they let their husbands support them. Now she was wrestling with that preconceived notion—was she that kind of person? She would think, “What is wrong with me?” “Why is this so hard?” “Why can’t I do it all, kids and career?” Most importantly, she would worry that others thought of her in the same way. Once she became aware of this label and her feelings around it, she could begin to explore her situation differently.

Everyone Makes Mistakes

Is this true?

She was seeing herself through a lens that she constructed and now I encouraged her to ask, “Is this true?” Is it true that you sit around all day? Or that you “let” someone support you? Or is it true that you are focused on your kids, taking them to the park and swim lessons, teaching them to tie their shoes and write their names, planning, shopping, and fixing nutritious meals, loving and spending time with them? Through this exercise, she could let go of her definition of “Stay-at-Home-Mom.” She could look at what was true. She also had to let go of what that label might mean to others. Was she doing the right thing for her and her family? Was she happy with her situation? Yes. You can’t control the lenses that others are seeing the world through, you can control how you feel about yourself and how you present yourself to others. She began to see that her kids were happy and healthy and her husband was able to support them, and she could feel proud of the role she had in her family and embrace this aspect of herself.

What labels do you put on yourself and how do you feel about them? Can you recognize when you are seeing through a distorted lens versus a clean one? When you look at the list of words you wrote to describe yourself, ask yourself, “Is this true?” Recognizing and becoming aware of your labels and your feelings and beliefs around them is a great way to strengthen that all-important relationship you have with yourself.

Who Am I?

I want to challenge you to answer this question in a different way. Grab a new piece of paper and write “Who Am I?” at the top. Think of describing words that you relate to. This list is just for you, so get real! Be honest with yourself about your good and not-so-good attributes. Start with 20 or so words that you feel describes who you are. Kind, honest, open-minded, shy, unorganized, loving, artistic, helpful, explosive. Don’t agonize over each answer, just write down what comes to mind. 

How complex is your list? How do you feel about what you wrote? Which words do you want to strengthen? Which ones do you want to change? We are all diverse beings, with many attributes that change day-to-day, moment-to-moment. We have parts of us that we like, and parts of us that we don’t. Can you embrace ALL of what you wrote down, truthfully and without emotion? When we embrace our WHOLE self, we can move and act from a place of awareness and truth. When you have a “bad day,” you have a choice. You can beat yourself up and let the day define you (“I can’t believe I said that”, “Why did I let them treat me that way?”, “I really messed up, I can’t do anything right”) or you can see your “bad day” as an opportunity to learn. Did your shyness/aggressiveness/passiveness/fragility get in the way? Did you hurt someone, or make a mistake? Guess what? 

Everyone makes mistakes.

When you have a strong relationship with yourself, you can stop in these moments and ask, “What is True?” Instead of letting mistakes define you, learn from them. Maybe you want to act differently when confronted by an angry coworker or spouse. When you know yourself and all of your attributes, you can look honestly at your behavior and choices, take responsibility when you need to, forgive yourself, and choose to act differently in the future.  We do the best we can with the information we have in that moment. The great news is the moment is gone and you get to choose who you want to be now, in this moment!  The past does not equal your future.  

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Accepting ALL Of Who You Are, And Getting To The Truth

Your “Who Am I?” list is never-ending, because we all grow and change as we move through life. Keep adding to it! Write 50 words … 100 words. Get real with how you feel about them and what your preconceived notions are. Realize when you are judging yourself harshly and ask, “Is this True?” Take off those coke-bottle glasses—the world is a beautiful place!

Your “Who am I?” List is never-ending and an accumulation of your experiences over time. We all start off with clean slates, complete and whole where anything is possible. Over the years stuff happens and our good and bad experiences begin to color the world. We learn to see through our unique lens, which can be dirty or distorted, sometimes just a little and sometimes a lot! Becoming aware of your lens, turning those “bad days” into life lessons, accepting ALL of who you are, and getting to the truth allows us to go back to seeing the world for what it really is. Clean those lenses and watch a beautiful world emerge.