THE 7 SECRETS TO HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND CONNECTED RELATIONSHIPS
What do you want in your relationships? Companionship? Great sex? Stimulating conversation? To be open, honest, and feel safe? To find your true love?
What is true love anyway? What does it look like for you? And even more importantly, who would you have to be to attract or rekindle that special someone?
Are you willing to do what it takes to get clear on what you want? If not, what stops you?
I have always been intrigued and inspired by love and the behaviors that create deep, meaningful, and passionate relationships. While I have found there are many things that attribute to these deeply satisfying relationships, I wanted to share some common behaviors that show up over and over again in happy and fulfilled couples. If you are looking for that perfect someone, or you want to put the spark back into your current relationship, or you want to continue growing a new romance in a happy, healthy, and passionate way then read on!
I boiled down the most common behaviors and created 7 Secrets to a happy, healthy, and connected relationship. To better illustrate these secrets I used one of my favorite movies, The Notebook, based on a book by Nicholas Sparks. When we look closely at the movie, we can find examples of each secret and how they all work together to help relationships grow.
Secret # 1 is the question: What do you want?
Why is it important to know what you want? Let’s explore it through the movie.
The Notebook is a love story about two teens who fall madly and passionately in love. The characters spend a magical summer together filled with laughter, tears, quiet times, and adventures. They fight, they tell each other what pains in the asses they are, but they also develop a strong relationship and deep bond as they learn about each other and experience things together.
Noah’s character represents strength and conviction. He makes his own choices. He surrounds himself with great friends and knows the importance of family. He is secure in his love and has faith in himself. Allie’s character has had different influences, and consequently thinks and feels based on the morals and rules that she has been taught to respect. Her actions are based on what she thinks she should do, on what society wants of her. She was taught to ignore her inner voice.
Noah pushes her to loosen up, trust, and have faith by having them lay in the middle of the road. This exhilarates Allie as she has never felt this kind of freedom before. She has never allowed herself to let go and explore her own wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. She has no idea what she wants because she has never been asked, and has never asked herself. But with the help of Noah’s love, given with no expectations, she can finally feel safe enough to explore her true self. Over time, she is able to grow her talents, skills, and abilities, and by the end of the summer she blossoms in her passion for art.
When you ask yourself, “What do you want?” what happens? Do you really know? Or are you influenced by outside forces? Can you ask your partner the same question, without expectations? Or do you have an answer for them already set up in your head? When we can let love lead the way, it inspires anyone who is touched by it.
Secret #2 is the ability to let go, play, and seize the moment.
During their time together, Noah shows Allie an old, abandoned house. He shares his dream of buying the house and his plans to rebuild it. Allie chimes in. “What about me? Don’t I have a say in this?” Then Noah asks her what she would do to restore the house. For once Allie doesn’t take the question so seriously. She plays along, describing how she wants the house white with blue shutters with a room for her to create her art. She allows the answers to flow from her with abandon. She doesn’t second guess herself or judge her ideas, she simply accepts and becomes playful with them.
Can you let go, play, and seize the moment? Without worrying about what you “should” do or say? It’s easy when you have someone like Noah to help, but what happens when you meet resistance? Are you able to stay true to yourself?
Can you help someone else develop this ability? Can you be like Noah and hold space for someone to allow their true self to shine through?
Secret #3 is to listen
What does Noah do when Allie describes how she would rebuild the house? He listens. He doesn’t feed her ideas that he thinks she would like. He doesn’t get hung up on what he thinks would be best for her. He doesn’t jump in to make suggestions when she struggles to come up with her ideas. He gives her space to think for herself and he listens to what she has to say.
Listening without judgement is harder than it seems. Pay attention to your next conversation with your partner, parent, child, or friend. Can you truly listen, without expectations?
Secret #4 is the willingness to let go
Allies parents don’t approve of her relationship with Noah. The same day they go to the abandoned house, Allie is late coming home and her parents are worried. After bringing her home Noah overhears exactly how Allie’s parents feel about the boy she is in love with. He’s “low class”, and Allie’s mom makes it clear that she didn’t go through the trouble of raising a daughter so she can “end up with the likes of that”. (Can you hear the expectation?)
Allie has been taught that her life is not her own, and she feels obligated to do what her parents want. She is convinced that they know what is best for her. Noah is hurt, he wants to be with her, but feels he may hold her back. She hasn’t learned how to listen to her inner voice and stay strong in her convictions. He knows he doesn’t have two nickels to rub together and probably never will, and because he fears that Allie may want or need that he painfully lets her go. To Allie’s surprise, she wakes up to find she won’t get the opportunity to make up with Noah as the family packed up to leave the next day.
True love learns how to let go, has faith, and knows that if it is meant to be there is nothing in the world that can stop it, no person in the world that can come between it, and no distance wide enough to separate it.
What do your relationships look like? If you are hanging on to a relationship out of fear, that is not true love. If you are afraid of losing someone, or too scared to go out on your own, or afraid for your financial security, your relationship isn’t genuine. You are simply hanging on out of lack.
Noah knows and trusts what he wants, yet loves enough to let go. He doesn’t let his hurt feelings rule his life, but is able to move on even while maintaining love for Allie. Allie has a harder time, but eventually begins to experience other relationships and even finds love again. She feels happy, and her life is on the track that her parents have always wanted for her. What she doesn’t realize is that what her parents want for her is what they have, a marriage of convenience and a life of security. She is letting them choose her path for her, instead of deciding for herself.
How many times have you wanted something, but you are too scared to go for it? What stopped you? Maybe your idea goes against the grain of what others may think? Or it goes against what you were told was the right way? How do your loved ones respond to your ideas? Are you in a relationship that is feeding your insecurities instead of feeding and supporting your talents and abilities? Are your and/or your partner approaching your relationship with fear and lack or with confidence and love?
Secret #5 is having no expectations
Noah stays his course, and keeps his love for Allie alive as he fulfills his dream and restores the abandoned house. Although the dream was his, he adds details to the house that Allie described during their summer together. He does not know if he will ever see Allie again and doesn’t expect anything from her. He doesn’t go searching for her to say “look what I did for you, now what are you going to do for me?” He accepts that this is his choice, and goes to work with no guarantees and no expectations of having his love returned.
True love has no expectations, is selfless, is understanding, and gives people room to grow. True love is more than saying those three words: I Love You. It is about action, giving without the expectation of anything in return and accepting people for who they are, not who you wish they were and not for what they will or will not do for you. Noah built his house out of love even knowing he may never share it with the woman who inspired him.
Have you ever done something for another person with no expectations? How does it make you feel? A great exercise to try is to do something for your partner or loved one anonymously. Never tell them it was you!! See if you can handle the anonymity and the knowledge that even if they wanted to do something in return they can’t! Smile to yourself as they wonder who helped them and see what it is like to give without expectations.
Equally important is the ability to accept help and acts of kindness or generosity without feeling like you are in debt to that person. When someone does something for you, can you accept the act, thank them, and move on, knowing that you don’t need to do anything in return?
Secret #6 is to stand strong for yourself, overcome your obstacles, and stay tuned to your true self
Years pass and Allie is now engaged to the kind of man her parents always wanted for her. Allie loves her fiance and looks forward to the marriage, until one day out of the blue she comes across an article. There he was….. Noah, standing next to the dilapidated old house that is now completely restored. As she reads the article a part of her that she had buried reawakens, and a tidal wave of emotion flows through her. She realizes that Noah had kept his promise to her and built their dream home. She remembers all that she discovered about herself that summer, and realizes she no longer does the things she used to love, like painting. Her mind is in turmoil- was what she had with Noah real? Although she loves the man she is about to marry, the relationship she has with him is different from what she had with Noah, and seeing his picture brought this realization to the surface.
When our internal feelings and our external world are not aligned, it can make us feel like we constantly have one foot out the door. We can have a hard time fully committing. Intuitively we know that something doesn’t feel right, even if we can’t put a finger on it. Allie can feel that there is something wrong in her life, but doesn’t know how to trust her intuition. After all, her fiance loved her, she was successful, and the path she was on would lead her to a safe, secure life. Does she really want to throw that all away, upsetting her parents and maybe destroying that relationship too?
If Allie chose to stay in this relationship and get married, she might be satisfied with her life but the partnership she would have with her husband would be flawed. Because she was always doing what she thought she should, instead of what she truly wanted, the man she brought into her life strengthened that side of her. And because she was always doing what she thought she should, she had never really opened up to him. He didn’t know her true self.
There may be something that you need to rectify within yourself to become fully present in your relationships. Fear destroys relationships, which is why it is important to locate that fear and turn it into trust. When we trust ourselves to make the decisions and choices that are right for us, then no matter what is presented to us we can trust it. Get right with you and you can open up to others.
When we have a great person in our life, sometimes it’s hard to see it. Not because true love isn’t there, but because we don’t think we are deserving or worthy enough to have it. This is when we can start to self sabotage, stepping into a self-fulfilling prophecy. We might tell ourselves that our partner doesn’t really love us and we can become obsessed with what we are getting or not getting. We forget who we are and what we can give. And that obsessive behavior will set the tone for our partner, who will learn to respond in kind.
Instead, open the door to true and respectful love by selflessly giving what you would like to get. You cannot be hurt by giving it your all, but you will learn whether or not you are wasting time in a flawed relationship.
Allie realized that a love had been stolen from her. That summer so long ago, she wasn’t strong enough to stand true in the face of all the outside influences around her. Now she found the courage to put herself in a vulnerable position, to find out if what they had was real.
Allie drives up to the house. She is terrified! When she sees Noah, standing in disbelief, she assumes the worst from his silence. She tells herself she was stupid for thinking their love might be real. Her fear is so strong she rushes to leave, but in her panic she hits the fence with her car. She is stuck sitting in her stalled car, and Noah can finally ask, “Would you like to come in?”
Allie’s fear and pride almost had her walk out on the love of her life, but fate stepped in and stopped her. Why? Because when something is meant to be, it will find a way. Then it is up to you. Fate stopped Allie from leaving, which gave her another opportunity to connect with Noah. To get past her fears. But it was her choice to go inside when Noah asked.
Perhaps we are not ready for the kind of love we crave. Perhaps we need to kiss more toads to become the kind of person one would have to be to have a deep love and connection. Allie had to learn to think for herself, and she needed to experience another kind of love to appreciate what she always had in Noah. She had to learn to stop pleasing others and step into what she wanted. Who knows, if their relationship would have continued from that summer, it could have been a mess! Back then she wasn’t prepared to stand up for herself, especially to her parents. She had started to trust herself and explore what she truly wanted, but she wasn’t capable of maintaining it when the pressure was on.
Allie and Noah have a magical week- the love, the passion, the friendship- it was all there. But when the week ends, Allie packs up to leave. Noah is beside himself, he doesn’t want to imagine life without her. It had been so hard all of those years, and now he is going to lose her again. They begin to fight, and the frustration of all of those years comes spewing out. Noah asks Allie, “ What do you want?” Yells again when she doesn’t answer, “What DO you Want?!!” “It’s not that simple!” Allie cries out, pleading angrily for him to understand. Noah plea’s again, “ WHAT, do you want?”, but she can’t answer. When he asks for the fourth time, “What do you WANT?”, all she can say is “I have to go”.
Many times the question, What do you want? Is one of the most difficult to answer. Many of us get stuck, knowing what we should want based on society or what our parents want, but unable to determine our genuine answer. We don’t have a lot of practice getting to the bottom of what we truly want.
Bonus Secret #7 Accept the person for who they are and not who you want them to be
We fall in love with someone for both who they are and what they represent to us. Later, after the euphoria wears off, we notice that we don’t like the way that person treats us. We start to find other things that bother us. At some point we start trying to change them, and when that doesn’t work, we get even more frustrated with the relationship. The truth is, we cannot change people, however we can change how we perceive someone, and we can change how we communicate. Instead of pointing out what we don’t like in our partner, we can let them know what isn’t working for us, and how we feel. Then there is a much better chance of that special someone actually listening.
Think about it- if you walk up to someone and tell them what you don’t like about what they are doing, they will become defensive. Do you like being told what you are doing wrong? Of course not! Instead, let someone know how their behavior or action makes you feel. Here is the same statement made in two different ways, which one would you like to hear from your partner?
Statement #1: “You always say you’re going to do something and then you never follow through. It makes me angry, you need to stop doing that or it’s going to piss me off.”
Statement #2: “First of all, I love you. I appreciate so many of the things you do, and I want to be honest with you when I find myself getting upset. Right now I am upset over something but I don’t want to be. I have a hard time when someone says they are going to do something and then there is no follow through, it upsets me and it doesn’t work for me. Can you tell me how we can come together on this, so we can both be happy?”
The first example is accusatory and emotional. The word “you” is used throughout. It places blame on someone else for your own feelings and sends the message that they are doing something wrong. When someone feels threatened, they automatically get defensive. Imagine what your answer would be to Statement #1.
However, if you can speak for yourself and describe your situation and feelings, it takes the threat away, making it easier for your partner to work with you. By letting someone know ahead of time that the relationship is not threatened, it helps them stay in control of their emotions and ultimately hear you better. In Statement #2, the word “I” is used throughout. There is no accusation, no gear-up for a fight. After all, the behavior is not malicious, and your partner probably doesn’t even realize that their actions bother you. Asking an open-ended question is a great way to start a conversation around the issue so you both can better understand each other.
We cannot make people do what they don’t want to do, but we can speak up for ourselves, draw boundaries, and abide by them. You do not have control over your partner’s behavior, but you have total control over yours. With open and safe communication, most issues can be resolved. It doesn’t mean that all relationships can be “saved” or can last forever, but it does mean that you always have a choice.
Ok you have the 7 Secrets, so, now what?
The big takeaway from the 7 Secrets is this: know what you want. As we saw with Allie, this is not easy! You may think you know, but don’t realize the outside influences that are controlling you. How can you know what you want and move towards it? If you feel stuck try one of the following suggestions:
- Simply make a choice to make a choice. You can’t go wrong! Moving forward in one direction is better than not making a choice at all. Furthermore, realize that by not making a choice you are in fact making a choice.
- If you are struggling with what you want between a few things, flip a coin. Call heads as one decision, and tails another. Flip and whatever the coin lands on, do that. Also, check your visceral reaction to the results. Did you realize that after it landed on heads, what you secretly wished was that it landed on tails? Great! Ignore the coin flip- it’s an easy way to check what you really wanted.
- Get very clear and specific about what you want. Try imagining that you are already there. What do you want? What would it look like to have it already? Who would you be hanging out with? What kinds of things would you be saying when you have what it is you want? Where would you be saying it? Visualize it in such a way that you begin to be the story.
- Find someone who is impartial that can help guide you to your wants. Many times, like Allie, deep down we know what we want, but our heads have been trained differently. By having help through the process, you can learn more about you and get to the bottom of the what, why, when, where, and how.
Always remember to leave expectations at the back door. Enjoy what you have right here right now. And don’t tie what you want to expectations, it just muddies up the waters and focusses you on the wrong thing. It’s a form of manipulation to get what you want. Text “I love you” to your partner because you want to, not because you want something in return. Tell them they are beautiful because you think so, not because you need to hear it back. Remember Noah’s example. He did what he did because he felt compelled to build the house in order to fulfill his dream. He didn’t do it for the acknowledgement, or to get the girl. He did it because he was driven by love. And if you are missing attention from your partner, it’s ok to tell them!
By following the 7 Secrets to a happy, healthy, and connected relationship, you are helping yourself, which will also help others. When you can free yourself to play and dream with abandon, you get to know yourself better. When you can let go of expectations that you have for yourself and for your partner, you create a safe place to open up. When you listen to your partner, you allow them to open up. When you recognize the obstacles in your life, you can realize what is holding you back. When you accept your partner for who they are, you can let go of trying to change them and focus on communicating openly and honestly. When you are not afraid to let go, you can find the courage to express your wants and needs, set boundaries, and follow through with the choices that are best for you. And it all comes full circle to the final question, “What do you want?”
